I wrote this the other day, and thought I'd put it on here.
She tried and tried, but her heart just wasn't in it that day. Her sketches were as bland as the words on the page. When she wasn't drawing, she was writing, and when she couldn't write, she drew, and when she couldn't draw, she wrote. Both were particularly unhelpful tonight. Maybe it was the weather: dreary, rainy, depressing, and probably smothering her creative outlook.
"Maybe tracing would be easier," she thought. The lines weren't straight.
"Perhaps writing a song would work." The lines didn't rhyme.
Things just were not going well on that rainy night in the city. All she could hear were the raindrops on the avenues, highways, and back alleys, the knick knacks on her counter rattling with the thunder, and the round lanterns (imported straight from Japan and China) blowing back and forth under her ceiling fan.
"Reading?" she asked herself. "No, still too much to do."
Yet here she sat, blankly staring at a screen that was no more helpful than the rain outside. Papers were scattered around her chair, filled with either the first chapters of a novel (which would have been supremely popular over every other in her time), or the beginnings of a sketch of a girl or a boy, doing something or other depending on their expressions.
"I just need to step back."
The digital-green clock read "1:00AM" but that was the usual for her. The streets were still busy in the city: so was she. Or at least, she was trying to be busy. She was trying very hard to be busy. But, artist's and writer's block had finally forced her outside onto her little apartment's "back porch." The lines of the city were blurred without her glasses, but she wasn't about to put them back on. The rain felt too nice on her discouraged face. She took a deep breath, and the refreshing moment was spoiled by the inhalation of exhaust from the cars, taxis, and trucks below. They looked like little blurs too.
Suddenly, a burst on inspiration hit her. She ran back inside without drying her hair or her face and sat down on the floor. Ravenously, she grabbed a piece of drawn on paper and found a blank space. She sat for at least an hour trying to get it right, occasionally going outside and coming back in, looking out the windows, and taking her glasses on and off.
The result was amazing, with or without glasses! She didn't sleep that night, but she wrote a short paragraph for her sketch, showered, dressed, and drove down to the Agency at "6:00AM," according to the clock.
They loved it, all of it, and the next day it was up on a billboard, sponsoring some perfume they had named after it: "The Raining City."
For us. For all the girls who are doing something or other, hitting blank pages and spacing out. Sometimes we have to blur the lines to see them.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Friday, April 26, 2013
~ So Close ~
How to begin?
April has been it's own month this year. Feels like every other month was a month of nostalgia. Or at least, I made it one in my head. My thoughts have been pouring forward in stead of backward. Sometimes this is good, and sometimes not, but I guess that strongly depends on what your future and past look like. Things seem to fly past without warning, and then come back to you later.
Your siblings got taller last night.
April 2013 is 4 days from being over.
The trees have leaves for the first time since early October.
We hardly have any 30 degree days anymore.
3 weeks of school.
3 weeks until summer.
3 weeks until graduation.
Some hate it, and some are counting down the minutes. I'm in the middle.
I remember telling a friend one night, "only 142 days until Transfer!" She made this disappointed face, but I was happy. It was so far, but it was something to look forward to. Now I check my countdown calendar and see only 28 days, 15 hours, and 37 minutes. That will probably have changed by the time I post this. It's not far. (Transfer is like the start of my summer) It's so close.
Yet it won't be the same. It's not Advance in the woods where we made all those memories. But I think it will be good. Great. Awesome.
I like to think of it this way:
We're not holding on to letting go, but letting go of holding on.
Even still, I'm not really going to try to forget. I'm just going to not to only remember all of the time.
It was too good to forget.
But, the best memories are the ones that we still haven't made yet.
April has been it's own month this year. Feels like every other month was a month of nostalgia. Or at least, I made it one in my head. My thoughts have been pouring forward in stead of backward. Sometimes this is good, and sometimes not, but I guess that strongly depends on what your future and past look like. Things seem to fly past without warning, and then come back to you later.
Your siblings got taller last night.
April 2013 is 4 days from being over.
The trees have leaves for the first time since early October.
We hardly have any 30 degree days anymore.
3 weeks of school.
3 weeks until summer.
3 weeks until graduation.
Some hate it, and some are counting down the minutes. I'm in the middle.
I remember telling a friend one night, "only 142 days until Transfer!" She made this disappointed face, but I was happy. It was so far, but it was something to look forward to. Now I check my countdown calendar and see only 28 days, 15 hours, and 37 minutes. That will probably have changed by the time I post this. It's not far. (Transfer is like the start of my summer) It's so close.
Yet it won't be the same. It's not Advance in the woods where we made all those memories. But I think it will be good. Great. Awesome.
I like to think of it this way:
We're not holding on to letting go, but letting go of holding on.
Even still, I'm not really going to try to forget. I'm just going to not to only remember all of the time.
It was too good to forget.
But, the best memories are the ones that we still haven't made yet.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
~ Untitled I ~
Peace.
Peace in a world of people who are fired up. People who want something to love or something to hate. The people in our town seemed to continually get wound up at every football or basketball game, even when we're having an awful season and loose almost every game like we did last year. They stomp their feet, clap their hands, and scream. It seems to me though, that maybe even the very same people can give up on God, if their life isn't what they want it to be. They don't keep coming to church like they come to games. They don't boo and hiss at sin when it scores or gains the upper hand. They don't fight it. The band doesn't play and march for the grace of God. People just don't get excited about God. And you know, I wish they did. At our church sometimes we get excited, we get super pumped at advance especially. Our group may be smaller than Neyland stadium at Horn's Creek, but we generate more energy and passion there than on Superbowl Sunday. I miss it there. Things aren't the same at home as they are there.
I can sit in my little room and read my little books, be a little bit different from everybody else. I can be in the middle. But what difference does it really make? I mean, truly? This Easter week, I want to think a little differently. I remember back when it was easy to feel things deeper than the surface, when I didn't have to fight to get inside my own heart. It's come to the point where I'd rather sit back and not think.
But, there's a strange peacefulness. A quiet in my heart. My God has taken my insecurities and turned them around, so that I can find safety in him.
I'll admit, I am scared. The future seems so uncertain. I don't know what's going to happen or when, and I'll admit, it's sublime. Beautiful and Terrible. It fills me with wonder and scares me to death.
At times like these I remember Proverbs 31:25,
"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and laughs without fear of the future."
My good friends help me with this. I can laugh without fear of the future because my future is secured. Whatever happens will happen for the best.
I'm fine.
God is good.
It is well with my soul.
There is nothing new under the sun.
Peace in a world of people who are fired up. People who want something to love or something to hate. The people in our town seemed to continually get wound up at every football or basketball game, even when we're having an awful season and loose almost every game like we did last year. They stomp their feet, clap their hands, and scream. It seems to me though, that maybe even the very same people can give up on God, if their life isn't what they want it to be. They don't keep coming to church like they come to games. They don't boo and hiss at sin when it scores or gains the upper hand. They don't fight it. The band doesn't play and march for the grace of God. People just don't get excited about God. And you know, I wish they did. At our church sometimes we get excited, we get super pumped at advance especially. Our group may be smaller than Neyland stadium at Horn's Creek, but we generate more energy and passion there than on Superbowl Sunday. I miss it there. Things aren't the same at home as they are there.
I can sit in my little room and read my little books, be a little bit different from everybody else. I can be in the middle. But what difference does it really make? I mean, truly? This Easter week, I want to think a little differently. I remember back when it was easy to feel things deeper than the surface, when I didn't have to fight to get inside my own heart. It's come to the point where I'd rather sit back and not think.
But, there's a strange peacefulness. A quiet in my heart. My God has taken my insecurities and turned them around, so that I can find safety in him.
I'll admit, I am scared. The future seems so uncertain. I don't know what's going to happen or when, and I'll admit, it's sublime. Beautiful and Terrible. It fills me with wonder and scares me to death.
At times like these I remember Proverbs 31:25,
"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and laughs without fear of the future."
My good friends help me with this. I can laugh without fear of the future because my future is secured. Whatever happens will happen for the best.
I'm fine.
God is good.
It is well with my soul.
There is nothing new under the sun.
Monday, March 18, 2013
~ Breath Deep, Listen Close ~
Ah, spring. It went "there and back again." I never truly enjoyed spring, except for the Bradford Pear trees. But, I think that after that incredibly long winter, I am happy that it's back. Spring (to me anyway) was always sort of a bleak time of year: faded pastel colors and a light, baby blue sky, with white and yellow flowers everywhere. Ew.
I do have to say though, this year has been a bit different so far. I've missed having the windows down. I've missed breathing the fresh, chill air that I swear comes straight off the mountains down to our town. It's a season of life. It's a season of making new memories, whereas my winter was spent reflecting on the old ones.
The leaves are finally back on the trees, so breathe deep. Listen closely.
I have this little "tradition" I started at age 10 or 11. Every year on the 17th of March, I go out and take pictures of all the flowers, just because. These are the pictures from yesterday.
It feels fresh and new. It feels right, like this is New Year's Day, and January first was really an extra month of last year. February happened. March cleans the slate.
I don't know how to transition from that into a Psalm I want to share, so I'm just going to type it up anyway.
Psalm 69: 34-36
Let heaven and earth praise him, the seas and everything that moves in them. For God will save Zion and build up the cities of Judah, and people shall dwell there and possess it; the offspring of his servants shall inherit it, and those who love his name shall dwell in it.
And that comes after the beginning of Psalm 69, which is the Psalmist crying out to God for help, asking him to show himself again so that he could build his faith. "For the waters have come up to my neck," he says in desperation. How inspiring are the last few verses, right?
Anyway.
I do have to say though, this year has been a bit different so far. I've missed having the windows down. I've missed breathing the fresh, chill air that I swear comes straight off the mountains down to our town. It's a season of life. It's a season of making new memories, whereas my winter was spent reflecting on the old ones.
The leaves are finally back on the trees, so breathe deep. Listen closely.
I have this little "tradition" I started at age 10 or 11. Every year on the 17th of March, I go out and take pictures of all the flowers, just because. These are the pictures from yesterday.
It feels fresh and new. It feels right, like this is New Year's Day, and January first was really an extra month of last year. February happened. March cleans the slate.
I don't know how to transition from that into a Psalm I want to share, so I'm just going to type it up anyway.
Psalm 69: 34-36
Let heaven and earth praise him, the seas and everything that moves in them. For God will save Zion and build up the cities of Judah, and people shall dwell there and possess it; the offspring of his servants shall inherit it, and those who love his name shall dwell in it.
And that comes after the beginning of Psalm 69, which is the Psalmist crying out to God for help, asking him to show himself again so that he could build his faith. "For the waters have come up to my neck," he says in desperation. How inspiring are the last few verses, right?
Anyway.
Monday, March 4, 2013
~ Turning Back & Looking On ~
Hey.
I've been aware lately of just how epic my friends are. I cannot tell you guys how incredibly thankful I am for all of you. We've had some good times. But you know, the best is yet to come.
I've been super reflective lately of past times, what they meant, and how they felt. But, it's the moment at hand that I should be thinking of, not what has passed.
The other night, Ryan came in my room and slept in my bed for a while. I read Harry Potter to him. I realized how big he's gotten. I recognized his cute little interjections about the story and all of the "what if this happened" ideas. Oh, I want so badly for him to stay 7 years old forever, but he's already 8, and the days fly past faster than I can get all my work done. I feel like there's not enough time in the day for me to get everything done. And yet here I sit, writing a blog post with a paragraph in a reflection paper left and dinner to help prepare. I want to pray for more moments like that with Ryan. I'll be gone all day tomorrow; I swear I will never understand how public-schoolers manage. ;)
But, there's a purpose things are how they are, and you know how it is. :) I want to let go and live the life laid before me with dignity and strength, and laugh without fear of the future (Proverbs 31:25).
So that's it then.
It's all part of the plan.
Monday, February 18, 2013
~ Overwhelming Holiness ~
I went through a small revolution last night. It was as if I'd forgotten for a moment just how Holy God is, and suddenly remembered. It was moving to say the least.
I'd like you guys to listen to this song by Tricia Brock (The lead singer for Superchick) and just think on it for a minute.
(You don't have to watch the video, it was the best I could find. Just a slideshow.)
"Overwhelmed" - Tricia Brock
Your tenderness is moving, You refresh my soul
With words of pristine water
That bathe and make me whole
Your holiness is burning through my very soul
Your words consume like fire
I'm purified like gold
I'm overwhelmed by You, Your sovereign majesty,
I'm captured in the passion of a Holy King
And I've been reconciled to the Son of Peace
I belong to You, You belong to me.
Your authority is comfort
It brings me to my knees
A noble God of justice, You give mercy's peace
Forgiveness is humbling; it makes my life bow
Beneath the oak of friendship I lay my burden down.
I'm overwhelmed by You, Your sovereign majesty,
I'm captured in the passion of a Holy King
And I've been reconciled to the Son of Peace
I belong to You, You belong to me.
You are my future, You are my hope
My one desire, my forever love
You are my future, You are my hope
My one desire, my forever love
I'm overwhelmed by You, Your sovereign majesty
I'm captured in the passion of a Holy King
And I've been reconciled to the Son of Peace
I belong to You, You belong to me.
I like that song. And suddenly I've run out of words to write.
Have a great day! (Happy Presidents Day by the way...)
I'd like you guys to listen to this song by Tricia Brock (The lead singer for Superchick) and just think on it for a minute.
(You don't have to watch the video, it was the best I could find. Just a slideshow.)
"Overwhelmed" - Tricia Brock
Your tenderness is moving, You refresh my soul
With words of pristine water
That bathe and make me whole
Your holiness is burning through my very soul
Your words consume like fire
I'm purified like gold
I'm overwhelmed by You, Your sovereign majesty,
I'm captured in the passion of a Holy King
And I've been reconciled to the Son of Peace
I belong to You, You belong to me.
Your authority is comfort
It brings me to my knees
A noble God of justice, You give mercy's peace
Forgiveness is humbling; it makes my life bow
Beneath the oak of friendship I lay my burden down.
I'm overwhelmed by You, Your sovereign majesty,
I'm captured in the passion of a Holy King
And I've been reconciled to the Son of Peace
I belong to You, You belong to me.
You are my future, You are my hope
My one desire, my forever love
You are my future, You are my hope
My one desire, my forever love
I'm overwhelmed by You, Your sovereign majesty
I'm captured in the passion of a Holy King
And I've been reconciled to the Son of Peace
I belong to You, You belong to me.
I like that song. And suddenly I've run out of words to write.
Have a great day! (Happy Presidents Day by the way...)
Monday, February 4, 2013
~ Desiring God's Plan On Valentine's Day ~
Caution...this post is slightly awkward, but it gets better.
So. Valentine's Day approaches. I don't hate writing about love, but I do hate writing about what teens think is love. So never mind that. Right now, we're going through John Piper's book Don't Waste Your Life. I just thought, since it being this time of year and everything, I should try to use even just the title to relate. Here's my attempt:
I don't want to waste my life simply waiting. I don't want to waste it trying to rush things either. When it comes to love (or anything for that matter), all I want to do is walk out God's plan for me, and not even try to make my own plans. I don't want to waste my life telling myself that there's someone for me out there when there isn't. Mrs. March (the mother of four girls from Louisa May Alcott's Little Women) puts it perfectly:
"To be loved and chosen by a good man is the best and sweetest thing which can happen to a woman, and I sincerely hope my girls may know this beautiful experience. It is natural to think of it. . . right to hope and wait for it, and wise to prepare for it, so that when the happy time comes, you may feel ready for the duties and worthy of the joy. . .Leave these things to time. Make this home happy, so that you may be fit for homes of your own, if they are offered you, and contented here if they are not."
Think of it like this:
If God has a plan for me to get married, I'd run to that.
If his plan is for me to be a missionary, I'd run to that.
If his plan for me is to have a career for myself, I'd run to that.
If his plan is for me to be a stay at home mom, I'd run to that.
But, what if his plan for me is singleness? Would I run to that?
What if it's pain and suffering? What about that?
What if it's an early death, having a husband who leaves, or constantly having a broken heart? What then?
Like Peter in Matthew, I want to say, "Yes! I'd run to that! I'd even run to death if it were for Jesus!"
But, Peter denied him. His closest friend. Not once, but three times.
I know that I am only human, and deep in my heart I want so badly to shy away from suffering. I want to flee from pain. My heart says it can only stand so much before it breaks, but I forget; I have God on my side. He has a plan for me. If it were any of these things, it's perfect.
If I die early, it's perfect.
If I suffer through pain and get hurt, it's perfect.
I want to run to what's next, without missing what is.
I want to savor the joy and fellowship right now before it's gone, or at least changes again.
I don't want to loose hope either. Hope for something great.
I don't want to depend on the future for happiness, because the future is so entirely uncertain, that it hasn't even been lived yet. (Sounds silly, I know.)
(Okay, tangent: how cute are they, right?!?!?)
Nobody has ever lived my life before. I am the first.
I am so thankful that I have a guide who shows me the way instead of me floundering around for some path to follow.
I have a written map that literally tells me exactly how to act. I cannot follow it all the time, because I am human, but it's there, and it's encouraging every time I pick it up.
And the best part is, this Guide knows my every need, my every desire, and my every pitfall.
I want to follow him first in all things, including my feelings.
I'm not very good at conclusions, and I never have been. But, there is this:
Romans 5:3-5
"Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
So. Valentine's Day approaches. I don't hate writing about love, but I do hate writing about what teens think is love. So never mind that. Right now, we're going through John Piper's book Don't Waste Your Life. I just thought, since it being this time of year and everything, I should try to use even just the title to relate. Here's my attempt:
I don't want to waste my life simply waiting. I don't want to waste it trying to rush things either. When it comes to love (or anything for that matter), all I want to do is walk out God's plan for me, and not even try to make my own plans. I don't want to waste my life telling myself that there's someone for me out there when there isn't. Mrs. March (the mother of four girls from Louisa May Alcott's Little Women) puts it perfectly:
"To be loved and chosen by a good man is the best and sweetest thing which can happen to a woman, and I sincerely hope my girls may know this beautiful experience. It is natural to think of it. . . right to hope and wait for it, and wise to prepare for it, so that when the happy time comes, you may feel ready for the duties and worthy of the joy. . .Leave these things to time. Make this home happy, so that you may be fit for homes of your own, if they are offered you, and contented here if they are not."
Think of it like this:
If God has a plan for me to get married, I'd run to that.
If his plan is for me to be a missionary, I'd run to that.
If his plan for me is to have a career for myself, I'd run to that.
If his plan is for me to be a stay at home mom, I'd run to that.
But, what if his plan for me is singleness? Would I run to that?
What if it's pain and suffering? What about that?
What if it's an early death, having a husband who leaves, or constantly having a broken heart? What then?
Like Peter in Matthew, I want to say, "Yes! I'd run to that! I'd even run to death if it were for Jesus!"
But, Peter denied him. His closest friend. Not once, but three times.
I know that I am only human, and deep in my heart I want so badly to shy away from suffering. I want to flee from pain. My heart says it can only stand so much before it breaks, but I forget; I have God on my side. He has a plan for me. If it were any of these things, it's perfect.
If I die early, it's perfect.
If I suffer through pain and get hurt, it's perfect.
I want to run to what's next, without missing what is.
I want to savor the joy and fellowship right now before it's gone, or at least changes again.
I don't want to loose hope either. Hope for something great.
I don't want to depend on the future for happiness, because the future is so entirely uncertain, that it hasn't even been lived yet. (Sounds silly, I know.)
(Okay, tangent: how cute are they, right?!?!?)
Nobody has ever lived my life before. I am the first.
I am so thankful that I have a guide who shows me the way instead of me floundering around for some path to follow.
I have a written map that literally tells me exactly how to act. I cannot follow it all the time, because I am human, but it's there, and it's encouraging every time I pick it up.
And the best part is, this Guide knows my every need, my every desire, and my every pitfall.
I want to follow him first in all things, including my feelings.
I'm not very good at conclusions, and I never have been. But, there is this:
Romans 5:3-5
"Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
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