~ Dependence ~

I was having a hard day yesterday. Things just weren't going the way I wanted them to go. I tried listening to music, which usually lifts my spirits if it's encouraging, but it didn't help. The steady flow of music pumping through my headphones wasn't doing its job, and I simply could not be helped. At least, that's what it felt like. But then, I heard a voice inside my heart (it literally felt like it was emanating from my heart) say, "Stop the music."
"No," I argued, "It's going to help me."
Again, "Stop the music."
I fought the voice 3 or 4 more times, until, in agony, I yanked the headphones from my ears. My mind went blank, and all I could hear was myself breathing. Everything was silent, but only for a moment, because then, the voice said, "I give you those breaths."
Suddenly, everything was clear. Everything in me shouted, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Because I had just realized I was arguing with my God.
And then, "You are forgiven."
The unbelievable feeling that came after that...it was indescribable. I was awestruck, and humbled, and felt energy surge through me.
God has never spoken that clearly to me before.
Of course, after that, I was completely encouraged, because that was all I needed to hear, and God knew that.
Every breath I breathe, it's a gift. I don't want to ever forget that moment. It was truly amazing.

This world.
These days.
Sometimes it brings us down, doesn't it?
Sometimes we, being the inexperienced teens we are, get hurt in this life.
We fall, we fail...and we are incapable of picking ourselves up again.
I can't decide to read my Bible and get an encouragement boost.
I can't decide to pray and be filled with joy.
I can't even decide to humble myself.
It's not me.
Whenever I feel uplifted,
whenever I feel joy,
whenever I feel humble, happy, or well within my soul,
It is not me.
I feel it inside of myself, but was it I who put it there?
Was I the one who instigated joy inside my heart?
Am I even capable of feeling happy apart from God?
No way!
I am dependent on God for everything.

Whenever I breathe,
It's not me!

~ Welcome to the New Age ~

Ah, sweet fresh air. Sweet newness of hope. "The New Year is out here..." in the words of Owl City. It feels so innocent right now. It feels so pure, right now.
Big news!! As most of you know, our youth group Relay is not having Advance this year, which, as my friends pointed out, is rather disappointing, especially because last year had such a wonderful effect. However, this year, we have the privilege to participate in a conference held in Orlando, Florida, called Transfer
which should be super epic. (click the word "Transfer" to go to the website and check it out!)
Wow. God is so gracious to allow the cost of taking our youth group to Orlando to end up being the same as going an hour down the road to Horn's Creek, North Carolina. I recognize the fear that things won't be the same here, but I think God has our group heading here for a specific reason, otherwise he won't allow it to happen. I, personally, have never been more excited about a youth retreat in my entire life. And May is just around the corner! One semester left...

I didn't know it yet, but by the end of 2012, I was in need of a fresh start. I know January 1 is just another day, but to me it isn't. It symbolizes the start of something new. I'm that much closer to being home at last. 365 days, 52 weeks, 12 months...1 whole year closer to going home. That much closer to finally having a real, proper place where I was meant to be. Don't get me wrong, I am here for a purpose and have a place in this world somewhere, but it's a fleeting breath. It's temporary, and I long for permanent things, as I have come to find out.
It's hard to truly live by faith. As I turn around and look at the past few years I see my own struggles of trying to rely solely upon God. I catch myself so often, when things are going great, relying on myself to keep them going great. I try to control everything that I do (and sometimes what others do) to keep things exactly the way they are. And, when 2013 hit, I looked back and saw my failed effort to keep everything that was exactly as it was, and felt terrible. Change came slowly, but it came, and I couldn't stop it. Instead of accepting God's gentle change in my life I shouted "No no no! I don't want things to change, they were perfect!" But, now I see. Things that He does are for my best. There's a season for everything, and the season of 2012 is over, but things can only get better! I have lived another year! We're that much closer to getting home! Why am I sad that things changed? Why am I discouraged that things will never be the same? I personally am finding out that I hate changes that I do not initiate or dictate.

But, they came softly. They were gently broken in. Not many people have that privilege. God knows my heart, and that is the best thing I could wish for. He knows exactly what I feel and why, and understands me even when I can't understand myself. 2012 taught me that feelings don't need names or descriptions, because sometimes words that humans have invented just do not suffice. It taught me what true friends look like, and how true friends act. It taught me not to think to hard about anything, because my mind - despite my desperate efforts - will twist good things into something else. It taught me that taking things with a grain of salt is a good thing, but it certainly changes the way things taste, and "with too much salt you must double the rest" (according to my cooking instructor). It taught me a million other things that I don't have time to list right now, and I just thought of a hundred more.

In closing, I am thankful. Extremely so. The New Year (or, rather, God) has cleared my muddled thoughts, cleansed my confused heart, and quieted my soul once again.
I am thankful for the peace inside me right now.
I am thankful for wonderful friends like you guys.

So thanks. :)

P.S. Sorry for all the random pictures, I know they're random....heh.

~ 2012 ~

Here's a short summary of 2012:
One picture from each month.
Top 10 albums of 2012.
Top 10 songs.

January

February I turned 15

March

April

May The month I left my life and went to the beach.

June

July

August The month of the best Advance ever.

September

October

November

December

What a year.

Top 10 albums of 2012 in no particular order(in my opinion):

Mylo Xyloto - Coldplay
The Midsummer Station - Owl City
All Things Bright and Beautiful - Owl City
Red - Taylor Swift
Night Visions - Imagine Dragons
The Hunger Games Soundtrack - Lionsgate
The Albatross EP - Port Blue
Rock What You Got - Superchick
The Struggle - Tenth Avenue North
Eye On It - TobyMac

Top 10 Songs of 2012 in no particular order (in my opinion):

Stand in the Rain - Superchick
Radioactive - Imagine Dragons
Red - Taylor Swift
Someone Like You - Adele
When Can I See You Again? - Owl City
Somebody That I Used to Know - Walk off the Earth
Paradise - Coldplay
We Are Young - Fun.
Some Nights - Fun.
Set Fire to the Rain - Adele

This year has been so amazing. So many inside jokes have been shared. I could go on forever about this year, and how awesome it's been, but you've probably experienced it just like I have.

Thanks for being there friends, you guys are the best.

~ He is Near ~

My family and I watch "The Nativity Story" before Christmas each year, much like any other family of the Christian faith. However, this year I watched it with a new understanding I think. I felt like I understood Mary on a deeper level. How must it feel to be chosen by God? She was an average teenager. Not average as in today's world, but in her world. She had feelings too. She thought and had her own personality. I felt like I knew her. Also, in the first part, when Zechariah - the father of John the Baptist - heard God's voice in the temple, I got a chill. What must it feel like to hear the voice of God? It made me realize, God is not far from us. He is close enough for us to hear his voice, and see his hand. I always seemed to view God as someone out of my reach (as in, so far away I had to pray to talk to him) or something I could not get to. Yes he lives within me, and yes, I see him move, but I never truly have felt so close to him. I know this is a stupid simile, but I want to use it; I viewed God (and I would not have admitted this at the time) like a distant relative, who I would write (pray) to when I needed something, and not when I didn't. But my eyes have been opened once more; God is not a "distant relation," but a constant, holy, sympathetic king, who stands beside me in battle, who stands me up on my feet, and who leads me in the way I must go.
He is near to us.

Matthew 1: 22b - 23:

"All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had spoken by the prophet: “Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son,
and they shall call his name Immanuel”(which means, God with us)."

Merry Christmas.

~ Memories ~

Ah, Christmas time. Every year it makes me think of the past. This year I've thought about last year, and how epic last Christmas really was. We laughed, we cried, we danced, we ate some pretty great food...it was awesome. I wasn't worried about finals. I didn't have trouble fitting my Bible reading into my schedule (when really, it should come first). But I was also oblivious. My choices and actions would result in something whether I liked it or not, and that something has been this year. This past year has been one of the best years of my life, and also one of the hardest. I guess, rather than best or worst, I should label them fullest or emptiest. 2012 is definitely my very fullest year yet. It seems like everything happened. I really can't list all the things that have gone on this year, but it sure has been a lot. For one thing, I've made some pretty awesome friends, but I lost a few of them, too. Losing them was hard, but gaining new friends was better.

I look back through old text messages and old gmail chats and see the evidence of long internet video hangouts, I listen to my playlist named "January of Last Year," I see pictures and faces and people who used to mean something to me, and I can't help but feel that atmosphere from last year.

I'm sad it's gone, but I'm glad it's over, and that's all I can say about that.

~ Being Filled with Joy: Part 2 ~

I was reading in 1 Peter today and I remembered a post I put up on this blog over a year ago about being Holy. I remember - my school book asked the question: "Do you think much about being Holy? Why or why not?" I said not much, because my salvation is assured.

It's been a year since then, and I may have changed my mind.
Now I know of course that my salvation is assured in Jesus, but I never thought I was called to be Holy.

1 Peter 1:13 - 16
Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, since it is written, "You shall be holy, for I am holy.""

1 Peter 1:22 - 25
"Having purified your soul by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart, since you have been born again, not of perishable seed but imperishable, through the living and abiding word of God; for
"All flesh is like grass
and all its glory like the flower of grass.
The grass withers,
and the flower falls,
but the word of the Lord remains forever.""

You know what else fills me with joy? Forever.
Forever is such a funny word. It promises so much, but it never seems to deliver. After all, nothing lasts forever. Except, apparently, the word of the Lord. :)

We will be in heaven forever. That's a long time. I remember feeling the best I've ever felt on this planet, and that was when I was out flying across the ocean on a tiny boat. I felt God there. But, it didn't last forever. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of it again when I really get into the worship at church or get super-encouraged from my Bible reading, but it never lasts.

In heaven it will. It will last forever there. I won't have to be on a boat in the ocean to feel it again, I'll feel it all the time!

And you know the best part?

It will be a million times better.

Right now I can't think of anything that could possibly be better, but it will be.

(More from 1 Peter 1 for ya) (Man, I cannot quote enough from this book) ;)

1 Peter 1:3 - 8
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith - more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire - may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ."

If I could just ask for some prayer:
My grandma's cancer scan came back, and the news is not good. Most of you guys are in my caregroup, so you heard the lowdown on that. I'll briefly sum up:
If this next treatment (next week) fails, we're looking at 2 weeks - 3 months left with her, so please pray that the treatment works and that our time will be indefinite again.
Also, my Mom has gotten pretty sick these past couple days, and she's going to the doctor today. I've really fallen behind in school trying to take care of her and give her time with grandma, so please pray that we'll get well and I'll catch up.
(This blog post was part of my devotion today) :)

Thanks guys, it really means a lot to me.

~ Psalms & Pictures ~

Psalm 63: 1-3 -

"O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory. Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you."

Steadfast love, better than life?

Oh yes. By far. The best thing of this world that we can know is life. It's hard to wrap the mind around something better, because it's all we know. We go to school to study life. We have things to help us enjoy life. The different people I hang out with contribute in different ways to my life.

There is a power, a glory, a steadfast love, better than life.

Psalm 125: 1-2

"Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be moved, but abides forever. As the mountains surround Jerusalem, so the Lord surrounds his people, from this time forth and forevermore."

Psalm 120: 1 -

"In my distress I called to the Lord, and he answered me."

Isn't that enough? He answers me in my distress. Every day.

Just some Psalms and bird pictures. You know how it is. :)