~ Breath Deep, Listen Close ~

Ah, spring. It went "there and back again." I never truly enjoyed spring, except for the Bradford Pear trees. But, I think that after that incredibly long winter, I am happy that it's back. Spring (to me anyway) was always sort of a bleak time of year: faded pastel colors and a light, baby blue sky, with white and yellow flowers everywhere. Ew.



I do have to say though, this year has been a bit different so far. I've missed having the windows down. I've missed breathing the fresh, chill air that I swear comes straight off the mountains down to our town. It's a season of life. It's a season of making new memories, whereas my winter was spent reflecting on the old ones.



The leaves are finally back on the trees, so breathe deep. Listen closely.



I have this little "tradition" I started at age 10 or 11. Every year on the 17th of March, I go out and take pictures of all the flowers, just because. These are the pictures from yesterday.

It feels fresh and new. It feels right, like this is New Year's Day, and January first was really an extra month of last year. February happened. March cleans the slate.

I don't know how to transition from that into a Psalm I want to share, so I'm just going to type it up anyway.

Psalm 69: 34-36
Let heaven and earth praise him, the seas and everything that moves in them. For God will save Zion and build up the cities of Judah, and people shall dwell there and possess it; the offspring of his servants shall inherit it, and those who love his name shall dwell in it.

And that comes after the beginning of Psalm 69, which is the Psalmist crying out to God for help, asking him to show himself again so that he could build his faith. "For the waters have come up to my neck," he says in desperation. How inspiring are the last few verses, right?

Anyway.

~ Turning Back & Looking On ~

Hey.
I've been aware lately of just how epic my friends are. I cannot tell you guys how incredibly thankful I am for all of you. We've had some good times. But you know, the best is yet to come.

I've been super reflective lately of past times, what they meant, and how they felt. But, it's the moment at hand that I should be thinking of, not what has passed.

The other night, Ryan came in my room and slept in my bed for a while. I read Harry Potter to him. I realized how big he's gotten. I recognized his cute little interjections about the story and all of the "what if this happened" ideas. Oh, I want so badly for him to stay 7 years old forever, but he's already 8, and the days fly past faster than I can get all my work done. I feel like there's not enough time in the day for me to get everything done. And yet here I sit, writing a blog post with a paragraph in a reflection paper left and dinner to help prepare. I want to pray for more moments like that with Ryan. I'll be gone all day tomorrow; I swear I will never understand how public-schoolers manage. ;)



But, there's a purpose things are how they are, and you know how it is. :) I want to let go and live the life laid before me with dignity and strength, and laugh without fear of the future (Proverbs 31:25).

So that's it then.



It's all part of the plan.

~ Overwhelming Holiness ~

I went through a small revolution last night. It was as if I'd forgotten for a moment just how Holy God is, and suddenly remembered. It was moving to say the least.
I'd like you guys to listen to this song by Tricia Brock (The lead singer for Superchick) and just think on it for a minute.

(You don't have to watch the video, it was the best I could find. Just a slideshow.)

"Overwhelmed" - Tricia Brock

Your tenderness is moving, You refresh my soul
With words of pristine water
That bathe and make me whole
Your holiness is burning through my very soul
Your words consume like fire
I'm purified like gold

I'm overwhelmed by You, Your sovereign majesty,
I'm captured in the passion of a Holy King
And I've been reconciled to the Son of Peace
I belong to You, You belong to me.

Your authority is comfort
It brings me to my knees
A noble God of justice, You give mercy's peace
Forgiveness is humbling; it makes my life bow
Beneath the oak of friendship I lay my burden down.

I'm overwhelmed by You, Your sovereign majesty,
I'm captured in the passion of a Holy King
And I've been reconciled to the Son of Peace
I belong to You, You belong to me.

You are my future, You are my hope
My one desire, my forever love
You are my future, You are my hope
My one desire, my forever love

I'm overwhelmed by You, Your sovereign majesty
I'm captured in the passion of a Holy King
And I've been reconciled to the Son of Peace
I belong to You, You belong to me.

I like that song. And suddenly I've run out of words to write.



Have a great day! (Happy Presidents Day by the way...)

~ Desiring God's Plan On Valentine's Day ~

Caution...this post is slightly awkward, but it gets better.

So. Valentine's Day approaches. I don't hate writing about love, but I do hate writing about what teens think is love. So never mind that. Right now, we're going through John Piper's book Don't Waste Your Life. I just thought, since it being this time of year and everything, I should try to use even just the title to relate. Here's my attempt:

I don't want to waste my life simply waiting. I don't want to waste it trying to rush things either. When it comes to love (or anything for that matter), all I want to do is walk out God's plan for me, and not even try to make my own plans. I don't want to waste my life telling myself that there's someone for me out there when there isn't. Mrs. March (the mother of four girls from Louisa May Alcott's Little Women) puts it perfectly:

"To be loved and chosen by a good man is the best and sweetest thing which can happen to a woman, and I sincerely hope my girls may know this beautiful experience. It is natural to think of it. . . right to hope and wait for it, and wise to prepare for it, so that when the happy time comes, you may feel ready for the duties and worthy of the joy. . .Leave these things to time. Make this home happy, so that you may be fit for homes of your own, if they are offered you, and contented here if they are not."

Think of it like this:
If God has a plan for me to get married, I'd run to that.
If his plan is for me to be a missionary, I'd run to that.
If his plan for me is to have a career for myself, I'd run to that.
If his plan is for me to be a stay at home mom, I'd run to that.
But, what if his plan for me is singleness? Would I run to that?
What if it's pain and suffering? What about that?
What if it's an early death, having a husband who leaves, or constantly having a broken heart? What then?

Like Peter in Matthew, I want to say, "Yes! I'd run to that! I'd even run to death if it were for Jesus!"
But, Peter denied him. His closest friend. Not once, but three times.
I know that I am only human, and deep in my heart I want so badly to shy away from suffering. I want to flee from pain. My heart says it can only stand so much before it breaks, but I forget; I have God on my side. He has a plan for me. If it were any of these things, it's perfect.

If I die early, it's perfect.
If I suffer through pain and get hurt, it's perfect.

I want to run to what's next, without missing what is.
I want to savor the joy and fellowship right now before it's gone, or at least changes again.
I don't want to loose hope either. Hope for something great.
I don't want to depend on the future for happiness, because the future is so entirely uncertain, that it hasn't even been lived yet. (Sounds silly, I know.)

(Okay, tangent: how cute are they, right?!?!?)

Nobody has ever lived my life before. I am the first.
I am so thankful that I have a guide who shows me the way instead of me floundering around for some path to follow.
I have a written map that literally tells me exactly how to act. I cannot follow it all the time, because I am human, but it's there, and it's encouraging every time I pick it up.
And the best part is, this Guide knows my every need, my every desire, and my every pitfall.
I want to follow him first in all things, including my feelings.

I'm not very good at conclusions, and I never have been. But, there is this:

Romans 5:3-5
"Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

~ And So, We Continue On ~

Oh my. What a sobering week. And yet, I honestly haven't felt this happy in a very long time. My friends and I are getting deeper in our biblical fellowship, and wouldn't you know it, we're all getting older. I know I post about age and time and days all the time, and most of it is nostalgic for the old times, but turning your head to the future can be just as exciting, only in a different way.

Brianna, you are such a pretty girl. But - thought it is admirable - it's not what I admire about you. Your heart for the Lord is. You're so encouraging and we've become so close over the past few years. I hope the fact that you are graduating doesn't mean that we won't be as close, but that it will only bring us closer to each other and to the Lord in our studies.

Hannah, the same goes to you, girl. You're 15, which is crazy to me. You can listen to that Taylor Swift song. You're going to drive! We have grown so close, especially since Advance, and I hope that 2013 only brings us closer.

I love you both so much, and you've been like sisters to me, which means so much, because I don't have any. :)

And so, we continue on. Going about our business. Talking, texting, planning, scheduling, trying to keep a regular agenda, but I have one prayer.

Lord, interrupt my plans! Take control of my day and show me what it means to truly obey. Obedience is only true obedience when it's hard to do.

I like regular things. Constant things. Not exactly the same every day, for that would drive me insane, but the same basic principles each day. As I have said many times before, change is always hard, but now I find myself longing for it. Not longing for change exactly, but something clearly and truly from God each day. Not a day goes by where I don't want to hear his voice again.

I cannot simply go back into the haze of days going by without anything significant in each and every one, because - as I have come to realize - each one is so precious. It's a gift, not to be taken for granted.

I hope you guys have a great day.
(Even though the snow and ice might totally mess up your epic plans. :/ Hey, maybe it was providence. ;) )

~ Dependence ~

I was having a hard day yesterday. Things just weren't going the way I wanted them to go. I tried listening to music, which usually lifts my spirits if it's encouraging, but it didn't help. The steady flow of music pumping through my headphones wasn't doing its job, and I simply could not be helped. At least, that's what it felt like. But then, I heard a voice inside my heart (it literally felt like it was emanating from my heart) say, "Stop the music."
"No," I argued, "It's going to help me."
Again, "Stop the music."
I fought the voice 3 or 4 more times, until, in agony, I yanked the headphones from my ears. My mind went blank, and all I could hear was myself breathing. Everything was silent, but only for a moment, because then, the voice said, "I give you those breaths."
Suddenly, everything was clear. Everything in me shouted, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Because I had just realized I was arguing with my God.
And then, "You are forgiven."
The unbelievable feeling that came after that...it was indescribable. I was awestruck, and humbled, and felt energy surge through me.
God has never spoken that clearly to me before.
Of course, after that, I was completely encouraged, because that was all I needed to hear, and God knew that.
Every breath I breathe, it's a gift. I don't want to ever forget that moment. It was truly amazing.

This world.
These days.
Sometimes it brings us down, doesn't it?
Sometimes we, being the inexperienced teens we are, get hurt in this life.
We fall, we fail...and we are incapable of picking ourselves up again.
I can't decide to read my Bible and get an encouragement boost.
I can't decide to pray and be filled with joy.
I can't even decide to humble myself.
It's not me.
Whenever I feel uplifted,
whenever I feel joy,
whenever I feel humble, happy, or well within my soul,
It is not me.
I feel it inside of myself, but was it I who put it there?
Was I the one who instigated joy inside my heart?
Am I even capable of feeling happy apart from God?
No way!
I am dependent on God for everything.

Whenever I breathe,
It's not me!

~ Welcome to the New Age ~

Ah, sweet fresh air. Sweet newness of hope. "The New Year is out here..." in the words of Owl City. It feels so innocent right now. It feels so pure, right now.
Big news!! As most of you know, our youth group Relay is not having Advance this year, which, as my friends pointed out, is rather disappointing, especially because last year had such a wonderful effect. However, this year, we have the privilege to participate in a conference held in Orlando, Florida, called Transfer
which should be super epic. (click the word "Transfer" to go to the website and check it out!)
Wow. God is so gracious to allow the cost of taking our youth group to Orlando to end up being the same as going an hour down the road to Horn's Creek, North Carolina. I recognize the fear that things won't be the same here, but I think God has our group heading here for a specific reason, otherwise he won't allow it to happen. I, personally, have never been more excited about a youth retreat in my entire life. And May is just around the corner! One semester left...

I didn't know it yet, but by the end of 2012, I was in need of a fresh start. I know January 1 is just another day, but to me it isn't. It symbolizes the start of something new. I'm that much closer to being home at last. 365 days, 52 weeks, 12 months...1 whole year closer to going home. That much closer to finally having a real, proper place where I was meant to be. Don't get me wrong, I am here for a purpose and have a place in this world somewhere, but it's a fleeting breath. It's temporary, and I long for permanent things, as I have come to find out.
It's hard to truly live by faith. As I turn around and look at the past few years I see my own struggles of trying to rely solely upon God. I catch myself so often, when things are going great, relying on myself to keep them going great. I try to control everything that I do (and sometimes what others do) to keep things exactly the way they are. And, when 2013 hit, I looked back and saw my failed effort to keep everything that was exactly as it was, and felt terrible. Change came slowly, but it came, and I couldn't stop it. Instead of accepting God's gentle change in my life I shouted "No no no! I don't want things to change, they were perfect!" But, now I see. Things that He does are for my best. There's a season for everything, and the season of 2012 is over, but things can only get better! I have lived another year! We're that much closer to getting home! Why am I sad that things changed? Why am I discouraged that things will never be the same? I personally am finding out that I hate changes that I do not initiate or dictate.

But, they came softly. They were gently broken in. Not many people have that privilege. God knows my heart, and that is the best thing I could wish for. He knows exactly what I feel and why, and understands me even when I can't understand myself. 2012 taught me that feelings don't need names or descriptions, because sometimes words that humans have invented just do not suffice. It taught me what true friends look like, and how true friends act. It taught me not to think to hard about anything, because my mind - despite my desperate efforts - will twist good things into something else. It taught me that taking things with a grain of salt is a good thing, but it certainly changes the way things taste, and "with too much salt you must double the rest" (according to my cooking instructor). It taught me a million other things that I don't have time to list right now, and I just thought of a hundred more.

In closing, I am thankful. Extremely so. The New Year (or, rather, God) has cleared my muddled thoughts, cleansed my confused heart, and quieted my soul once again.
I am thankful for the peace inside me right now.
I am thankful for wonderful friends like you guys.

So thanks. :)

P.S. Sorry for all the random pictures, I know they're random....heh.