~ And So, We Continue On ~

Oh my. What a sobering week. And yet, I honestly haven't felt this happy in a very long time. My friends and I are getting deeper in our biblical fellowship, and wouldn't you know it, we're all getting older. I know I post about age and time and days all the time, and most of it is nostalgic for the old times, but turning your head to the future can be just as exciting, only in a different way.

Brianna, you are such a pretty girl. But - thought it is admirable - it's not what I admire about you. Your heart for the Lord is. You're so encouraging and we've become so close over the past few years. I hope the fact that you are graduating doesn't mean that we won't be as close, but that it will only bring us closer to each other and to the Lord in our studies.

Hannah, the same goes to you, girl. You're 15, which is crazy to me. You can listen to that Taylor Swift song. You're going to drive! We have grown so close, especially since Advance, and I hope that 2013 only brings us closer.

I love you both so much, and you've been like sisters to me, which means so much, because I don't have any. :)

And so, we continue on. Going about our business. Talking, texting, planning, scheduling, trying to keep a regular agenda, but I have one prayer.

Lord, interrupt my plans! Take control of my day and show me what it means to truly obey. Obedience is only true obedience when it's hard to do.

I like regular things. Constant things. Not exactly the same every day, for that would drive me insane, but the same basic principles each day. As I have said many times before, change is always hard, but now I find myself longing for it. Not longing for change exactly, but something clearly and truly from God each day. Not a day goes by where I don't want to hear his voice again.

I cannot simply go back into the haze of days going by without anything significant in each and every one, because - as I have come to realize - each one is so precious. It's a gift, not to be taken for granted.

I hope you guys have a great day.
(Even though the snow and ice might totally mess up your epic plans. :/ Hey, maybe it was providence. ;) )

~ Dependence ~

I was having a hard day yesterday. Things just weren't going the way I wanted them to go. I tried listening to music, which usually lifts my spirits if it's encouraging, but it didn't help. The steady flow of music pumping through my headphones wasn't doing its job, and I simply could not be helped. At least, that's what it felt like. But then, I heard a voice inside my heart (it literally felt like it was emanating from my heart) say, "Stop the music."
"No," I argued, "It's going to help me."
Again, "Stop the music."
I fought the voice 3 or 4 more times, until, in agony, I yanked the headphones from my ears. My mind went blank, and all I could hear was myself breathing. Everything was silent, but only for a moment, because then, the voice said, "I give you those breaths."
Suddenly, everything was clear. Everything in me shouted, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Because I had just realized I was arguing with my God.
And then, "You are forgiven."
The unbelievable feeling that came after that...it was indescribable. I was awestruck, and humbled, and felt energy surge through me.
God has never spoken that clearly to me before.
Of course, after that, I was completely encouraged, because that was all I needed to hear, and God knew that.
Every breath I breathe, it's a gift. I don't want to ever forget that moment. It was truly amazing.

This world.
These days.
Sometimes it brings us down, doesn't it?
Sometimes we, being the inexperienced teens we are, get hurt in this life.
We fall, we fail...and we are incapable of picking ourselves up again.
I can't decide to read my Bible and get an encouragement boost.
I can't decide to pray and be filled with joy.
I can't even decide to humble myself.
It's not me.
Whenever I feel uplifted,
whenever I feel joy,
whenever I feel humble, happy, or well within my soul,
It is not me.
I feel it inside of myself, but was it I who put it there?
Was I the one who instigated joy inside my heart?
Am I even capable of feeling happy apart from God?
No way!
I am dependent on God for everything.

Whenever I breathe,
It's not me!

~ Welcome to the New Age ~

Ah, sweet fresh air. Sweet newness of hope. "The New Year is out here..." in the words of Owl City. It feels so innocent right now. It feels so pure, right now.
Big news!! As most of you know, our youth group Relay is not having Advance this year, which, as my friends pointed out, is rather disappointing, especially because last year had such a wonderful effect. However, this year, we have the privilege to participate in a conference held in Orlando, Florida, called Transfer
which should be super epic. (click the word "Transfer" to go to the website and check it out!)
Wow. God is so gracious to allow the cost of taking our youth group to Orlando to end up being the same as going an hour down the road to Horn's Creek, North Carolina. I recognize the fear that things won't be the same here, but I think God has our group heading here for a specific reason, otherwise he won't allow it to happen. I, personally, have never been more excited about a youth retreat in my entire life. And May is just around the corner! One semester left...

I didn't know it yet, but by the end of 2012, I was in need of a fresh start. I know January 1 is just another day, but to me it isn't. It symbolizes the start of something new. I'm that much closer to being home at last. 365 days, 52 weeks, 12 months...1 whole year closer to going home. That much closer to finally having a real, proper place where I was meant to be. Don't get me wrong, I am here for a purpose and have a place in this world somewhere, but it's a fleeting breath. It's temporary, and I long for permanent things, as I have come to find out.
It's hard to truly live by faith. As I turn around and look at the past few years I see my own struggles of trying to rely solely upon God. I catch myself so often, when things are going great, relying on myself to keep them going great. I try to control everything that I do (and sometimes what others do) to keep things exactly the way they are. And, when 2013 hit, I looked back and saw my failed effort to keep everything that was exactly as it was, and felt terrible. Change came slowly, but it came, and I couldn't stop it. Instead of accepting God's gentle change in my life I shouted "No no no! I don't want things to change, they were perfect!" But, now I see. Things that He does are for my best. There's a season for everything, and the season of 2012 is over, but things can only get better! I have lived another year! We're that much closer to getting home! Why am I sad that things changed? Why am I discouraged that things will never be the same? I personally am finding out that I hate changes that I do not initiate or dictate.

But, they came softly. They were gently broken in. Not many people have that privilege. God knows my heart, and that is the best thing I could wish for. He knows exactly what I feel and why, and understands me even when I can't understand myself. 2012 taught me that feelings don't need names or descriptions, because sometimes words that humans have invented just do not suffice. It taught me what true friends look like, and how true friends act. It taught me not to think to hard about anything, because my mind - despite my desperate efforts - will twist good things into something else. It taught me that taking things with a grain of salt is a good thing, but it certainly changes the way things taste, and "with too much salt you must double the rest" (according to my cooking instructor). It taught me a million other things that I don't have time to list right now, and I just thought of a hundred more.

In closing, I am thankful. Extremely so. The New Year (or, rather, God) has cleared my muddled thoughts, cleansed my confused heart, and quieted my soul once again.
I am thankful for the peace inside me right now.
I am thankful for wonderful friends like you guys.

So thanks. :)

P.S. Sorry for all the random pictures, I know they're random....heh.